Look, I completely understand why you might not want to read this at the moment. I understand why, with everything that's happening, this seems frivolous, beside the point, even a frustrating misuse of valuable front page photons at a time when things of much more consequence than Some Damn Fantasy Television Show deserve thoughtful attention.
However, I also understand just why some of you might feel like this is a really, really good time to talk about SDFTS. Or anything else. So if you're feeling like an escape, please come on inside. If not, well, come on inside anyway and lob a sharp-edged comment or two. It'll make you feel better.
And now (flourish of horns) on with the show. ...
As usual, I'll try to plow through the episode roughly by attaching myself to the shoulder of some of the main characters. Though this is not working as well as it might have in the past partly because ... just who are the main characters again? I mean, I would have said Davos Seaworth, Lord Stannis's shortened-right-hand man, was a main character, but now he just pops up to dispense occasional bits of wisdom. Is Littlefinger a main character, or is it really Sansa's story with mockingbird on the side? And Cerse i... is Cersei getting derailed from her own narrative?
Cersei
We start this week with a wedding. And ... an d... and ...
nobody dies. Score that Death 3, Weddings 1. Or maybe two, since Rob and ... no, best leave that one out. Anyway, Cersei is forced to the sidelines as mother of the groom a second time with the focus being on the (is there a ye olde term for "extremely sexy?") Margaery. The third time is apparently the charm for the new queen, and this time there is no doubt that the marriage is consummated, as Margaery hauls young Tommen off to the wedding chamber. She soon has the boy convinced he never wants to get out of bed again, a situation she greets with the world's best smirk. Margaery also takes advantage of Tommen's warm post-virginal glow to plant the seed of how nice it would be if Dear Old Mommy Cersei were not peeking over their shoulders every moment, but instead had some space of her own. Say ... the several hundred miles of space between the Red Keep and Casterly Rock.
Tommen tries to feed this line to Cersei, which spurs the royal mom to pay a visit to the new queen. This results in some lines of dialog that are sharper than any sword on the series as Margaery simply Takes. Cersei. Apart. "What’s the proper way to address you now, Queen Mother or Dowager Queen?" she says around an undimmable smile. Then she coyly explains how thoroughly she has sex-sex-sexed Cersei's son so that there will never be any doubt about which of them Tommen will chose to side with in a dispute. Cersei, a blunt force confronted with a whirl of scalpels, exits stage right, pursued by peels of laughter.
Desperate for any ally in a storm, the Queen Mum pays a visit on the High Sparrow. The sparrows are a new group of religious folk who are at once bringing the Protestant Revolution and the Great Awakening to Westeros. Having utterly humiliated the High Septon—the closest thing around to the Pope—the High Sparrow and his followers are a growing force in the city, particularly among the poor and those dislocated by the war. Cersei none too subtly offers the High Sparrow her support in exchange for his, though what either of them can do to actually help the other isn't all that clear.
Books vs. Show: Eh, we are quite a bit off from the books here, and thank goodness for that. In the books. Tommen is still a small boy of eight or nine, Margaery herself is barely a teenager, and there is no sex. Instead the new queen bribes her boy king with a kitten named Ser Pounce. And if you were wondering where that meme came from Now You Know.
Sansa
I'll be damned. They really did it. Even when Littlefinger talked of taking Sansa to Winterfell and showed her that they were entering the North, I thought it was an elaborate bluff. But no. Here we are in the soot-stained and hastily repaired hulk of Winterfell, handing the tall, willowy Sansa over to the squat psychopath, Ramsey Snow. Or make that Ramsey Bolton now that he's been un-bastardized by royal decree. Of course, anyone who keeps a small herd of women nearby so he can practice his archery skills will always be a serious bastard.
Sansa's entrance, in which she goes from stoic to brightly smiling with a alacrity that would humble a Disney automaton, shows that she's learned a lot since she left the Red Keep. There's a moment when Sansa and Ramsey are face to face. Sansa is pretending to be pleased. Ramsey is pretending to be decent. Point 1) Sansa's act is better. Point 2) it's hard to pretend to be a nice guy in the middle of a courtyard littered with carnage. After keeping her smile solidly glued in place while face to face with the Boltons (who, just in case you might have forgotten what they were all about, have a literal stack of flayed men at hand), Sansa makes her way down to the chambers. Her old room? That's not clear, but one of the servants manages to slip in a "The North Remembers" when there's no one else about. Should Sansa decide that it's Ramsey's turn to meet with an unfortunate accident, it seems like there might be a bit of support at hand.
Littlefinger, who passes Sansa into the hands of this fresh lot of ghastly killers like a prize of war while ridiculously telling her it's time that she took agency for her own life, gets a recall to the Red Keep, though it's not clear he's going to obey. From the tone of the letter, it seems like Cersei calling him in as she looks for more support. That she might summon Littlefinger is a very good sign of just how desperate the whole Lannister position has become since Tywin took his memorable trip to the can.
Book vs. Show: We're way off the path with this one. In the books, Sansa stays parked at the Eyrie, pretending to be some lord's bastard daughter. Instead, some other girl is sent to Ramsey under the name of Arya. Everyone knows it's not really Arya, everyone just agrees not to care. What is going to happen with this big departure from the books? I don't know. But can I say how loudly I would cheer if Sansa got her hands on something sharp and did in both Boltons, proclaimed herself The Queen In The North and marched on the Iron Throne? I was never a big fan of the character in the books, but hell, go Sansa!
Arya
Meanwhile the other Stark sister is across the ocean sweeping floors and, uncharacteristically, being bullied by someone who doesn't soon end up punctured. Her old buddy Jaquen (is it really the same Jaquen she knew in Westeros, or are faces interchangeable among the Faceless Men? Hmmm.) explains how she has to rid herself of Arya Stark and become nobody if she wants to learn all the keen assassinating tricks the House of Black and White has to teach her.
Arya treks down to the docks. She's wearing a dress that was clearly made by Old Poverty. Even so, she's obviously had a bath, appears well-scrubbed and isn't wearing that would-be Night's Watch outfit she's worn day and night for years now and which looked as if it was ready to begin walking about on its own. Weighting her old belongings, Arya flings them into the bay. She seems ready to do the same to Needle, the sword given to her by Jon Snow, but at the last moment she hides the sword instead. Seeing Needle get this reprieve made it seem like one of the characters had come off his deathbed. Needle! We can't lose you.
Book vs Show: We're still pretty well on track with Arya. Is that a sign that Arya's story line is important to the final outcome while those that are getting a rework are essentially filler to the Big Arc of History? Eh, probably not.
Brienne
Brienne and Pod have another heart to heart as they watch Sansa trot off toward Winterfell. Alone on the stony slopes above Moat Cailin, we get some nice backstory for Pod (he started a squire for a knight who was killed for stealing a ham) and some even nicer backstory for Brienne. She recalls her painful emergence as a medieval debutante, and how everyone made "Brienne the Beauty" the butt of jokes before Renly Baratheon saved her through dancing, friendliness, and good advice.
That's pretty much it for Brienne and Pod. Just a talk on a hillside. It's a talk that's so open, honest, and heartfelt that I fully expected the Wrath of George to fall on them at any moment. Not this week.
Book vs. Show: We're pretty far off course, as Brienne never saw Sansa or Arya in the books. Her wandering was just ... wandering. In her talk, Brienne also reveals that she always knew that Renly was gay, which is another change from the books where Brienne (who, like practically everyone, was younger) was clearly nursing a massive crush on the slim and dashing Renly.
Tyrion
Tyrion is still in the over-sized coach, and while the Road to Volantis might sound like a Cosby/Hope comedy title, the ever-drunken Tyrion is getting heartily sick of the inside of the "wheelhouse." Despite Varys's warnings, Tyrion insists on seeing the sights of Volantis. The first of these is another red priestess. This one is singing a different song than Stannis's pal, Melisandre. According to the Volantis priestess, the coming thing isn't the dour king camped by the Wall, but the Queen of Dragons down at Meeren.
Latter they visit a brothel (anyone who was feeling that this season of Game of Thrones was oddly brothel-free was surely relieved to see that there were two occasions to parade women in scant-to-no clothes this week). At the brothel, Tyrion makes nice with one of the working girls, but when she actually agrees to sleep with him, he finds that he's not up to the challenge. Whether it's a sudden outbreak of morals, or the fact that the girl is so tall that Tyrion would need to climb her in stages isn't clear.
Tyrion steps out of the room, only to be nabbed by Jorah Mormont who promises to "take him to the queen." Does that mean Tyrion is merely going before Daenerys in an unexpected way, or is Ser Mormont hoping to restore his place—and earn some bounty—by presenting Tyrion to Cersei? Umm, tune in next week.
Book vs. Show: This is a case of events occasionally aligning while process has completely changed. In particular, the Tyrion story has been missing a whole set of characters who served as his traveling companions in the books. And just in case they're going to eventually show up, I'll shut up.
Jon
And finally in the frozen North ... Jon turns down Stannis's offer of retaking Winterfell and proclaiming himself the new Lord Stark (though you have to wonder how a raven detailing the situation at Winterfell might play about now). Instead Jon takes up the mantle of the new Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. Stannis advises Jon to ship off some of his enemies to other stations along the wall, warning that whoever said "keep your enemies close" didn't have many enemies.
However, when Jon tries to carry out this advice by ordering Janos Slynt to take command of a crumbling ruin of a castle, it doesn't go all that smoothly. Slynt, who was temporarily elevated to Lord as payment for his role in betraying Eddard Stark before Tyrion hustled him off to the Wall, loudly disobeys Jon's orders. Jon gives Slynt several opportunities to reconsider what he's saying, but the former City Watch commander has nothing but disdain for Jon.
So ... how is a Stark of Winterfell, bastard or no, going to respond? Longclaw, the sword given to Jon by the previous commander, may not be the Stark ancestral sword, but it's still forged from that ever-slickety-sharp Valyrian steel. Jon has Slynt marched up to the chopping block. Until the last moment, Slynt seems to think that it's all a bluff. Then he resorts to blubbering and begging. Then ... eww.
Books vs. Show: We've taken a bit of a different route to get here, but Slynt still ends up shorter in the books.